who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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