After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
