Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
