FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
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