I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
