I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
