i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
