you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
