I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
