That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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