i just had sex bonerless
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
