i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
