I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
