apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
