Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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