Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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