I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
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Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
