accomplished twins. life is a go
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I need moral support for this bender
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize