Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
