dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
