I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
