I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
