youre lurking in front of me
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
