highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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