Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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