Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
