When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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