alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
