I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
