I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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