Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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