I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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