Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
