apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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