don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
