Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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