I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
