Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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