hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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