I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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