There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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