I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I need a burrito and a hug.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
