Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
