Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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