The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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