I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
