Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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