take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
