I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
