Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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