I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
