This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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