How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
