Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
