she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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