man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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