just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
