I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
